Seeing David In The Stone

"Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it." -- Michaelangelo

I continue my weight training, interspersed with my walking regimen. Tonight I added French curls (an exercise I've always found difficult) to the mix. An extra exercise meant fewer reps, however. I need to get used to this.

It's my hope to find the statue that is the ideal me beneath all of the sloppiness that's accumulated over the years. I don't just mean physical sloppiness. I mean mental and moral sloppiness as well.

I am currently involved in the Federal Executive Board Leadership Associates Program, an intensive year-long series of activities intended to develop mid-level government employees myself into executive material. As I intend to be around for a while, I'd like to get as far as possible. The current class has only been running since June, but already I've gotten a lot out of it. Part of my current interest in working out, for example, is a side project to encourage greater physical fitness among federal employees. Another employee at my agency started a team, and being the competitive person I am, I decided to join.

This is one way my competitive nature is helping me. I can see also where it has hurt me, and hurt others, badly. It is a double-edged sword for sure!

Back to the leadership program. This week we had a course in conflict management. Using the assessmetn tool, I discovered that I have a lot of work to do. I have a tendency to want to try and win arguments, even if there's no point in doing so beyond being able to say I'm right. For certain lines of work, this is a good thing. In every day life, this is a very bad thing. I have alienated who knows how many people because of it. I'm not proud of this. I am sure that there are more than a few people who can attest to this. If you're out there and reading this, please accept my apologies, know that I see the problem, and that I'm working on it.

It is such a relief to let go of conflicts, and to recognize troll bait when I see it! No longer am I bound by that invisible hand that seemed to force me to constantly be on the lookout for the epistemological knife fights I so often find myself involved in! My karate instructor back in the distant past always told me that the best move in a fight is to turn around and walk away. If only I'd applied that wisdom to the pseudo-intellectual posturing I see around me--and not get sucked into it myself--I'm sure I would have been much happier overall!

It's more than winning arguments, though. It's wanting to win at life, with 'winning' poorly defined. In college it wasn't enough just to have good grades, I had to have a girlfriend too. And by 'have' I mean 'be the only thing going on for her'. I don't think I was as big a douchebag as that statement implies (there are at least two women out there who could confirm this--or not) but I can see where a lot of my behavior wasn't what it should have been, or even anywhere close. And for that, I am truly sorry. To any male between the ages of 17 and 22 reading this (including my son in about 10 years): I've seen some of you do the same crap. You cannot simultaneously put a woman on a pedestal and chain her like a slave. In fact, you shouldn't do either one. Make and keep a friend--an equal partner--and what you want is more likely to show up on its own. Not guaranteed (nothing is!) but more likely. And that is Uncle Steve's Pearl of Wisdom for the night. :-)

This desire to be ahead of the game at all costs isn't all bad--academically it's been a tremendous asset, and my career hasn't suffered either (although I will emphasize that to my knowledge I've never stabbed anyone in the back on the way up). But when wed to faulty assumptions it is yet another layer of stone that must be removed to get to the ideal form beneath.

Why am I competing? What is there to be gained? How will my competitive nature help or hurt others? What will it do to myself in long run? I need to start answering these questions more consistently.

Because while I'm cutting through the physical flab to reach the ideal person inside, I also need to cut through the mental and moral flab to reach  what that person should be like. And I cannot do that unless I'm honest with myself. "Let him that would move the world first move himself."

Time to put away the past. The other thing the assessment tool told me was that I tend to dwell on problems too much. The problem's solved--I'm not who I used to be, and cannot change what that person did. I can only hope for forgiveness, and do what I can to improve. And that's the real competition: the one within!

The Long Hot Summer

I've been away for a while, I know. But I'm back to stay!

Since ending the medically supervised portion of the weight loss program, just about everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. I've faced a number of personal and professional challenges these past few months that have caused me to revert to old habits.

First to go was the exercise. After my last long run of 2.8 miles I stopped for some reason. It got too easy to rationalize not running again--too tired/too hot/too much to do/too many other excuses to count.

Next to go was diet discipline. Back in June my mother was hospitalized for several days (thankfully, she's doing better now). I fell back into my old habit of stress eating. A number of other events happened at home and at work to compound the stress. On top of that, I had chosen this summer to take three classes instead of two to knock a year off my Masters degree. Two of my classes involved heavy math and were taught by instructors whose notes were minimal at best (one class didn't even have an official textbook!) Between the rigor of the courses themselves and losing time while Mom was in the hospital, I spent most of the summer term catching up. I managed A's in two of the courses and a B in the third...but getting there was much, much harder than I anticipated. And a lot of stress eating was involved.

I accept that there's stress in life. That's an inherent part of existence. Someone whose life is completely stress free is either not truly living or completely oblivious to his or her situation. As with so many other things, however, it all hit at once. My faith has been challenged and restored repeatedly over the past three months. My sanity? Sometimes I wonder.

But no more. With but one exception (which I can do nothing about but wait) most of the stressors have been resolved. Now it's time to focus on building myself back to the person I know I can be. I started that in earnest tonight.

With Sandy absent much of the evening, a run was out of the question. So I went to my old standby: the weight bench. Weightlifting has always been special to me: it's one athletic activity I've been able to remain reasonably competent at, even excel. For two years during my undergraduate years I took gym classes every quarter to build exercise into my routine (as if working as a cook and a janitor, and walking nearly everywhere, wasn't enough!)  The weight training was something I'd started in high school but it took off in college. If I'd kept up with it, who knows where I'd be now?

Of course, I'm not powerlifting like I was 20 years ago: my right shoulder and my back reminded me tonight that I'm 44, not 22 even with the relatively light workout (low weight/high reps) I took on:

3 sets/25 reps each:
Bench press at 25 lbs
Military press at 25 pounds
Curls at 25 pounds
Dead lift at 25 pounds

The objective of low weight/high reps is to develop muscle tone and endurance as opposed to instantaneous power. It's also (contrary to popular belief) one hell of a good cardiovascular workout: think calisthenics with a positive load applied to every part of the body. I also attempted knee extensions but the weight bench I have isn't made very well for that. I may settle for running/cycling to develop my legs. I can get new running shoes much cheaper than a new weight bench, and I need new shoes anyway.

It felt good! Just the act of putting on my old lifting gloves caused a bit of a surge in me, as though I were Arthur pulling Excalibur from the stone. I still feel a little tight even after my shower, and probably will feel much tighter tomorrow...but that's a good thing. Muscles need to be challenged in order to develop. Tomorrow I'll run again, then Wednesday night (Sandy's bowling night) I'll hit the weights after the kids are in bed.

Why am I suddenly back in the saddle again? Two reasons. One I'll explain in more detail tomorrow night. The other? Let's just say that it's better to be in control of one's circumstances rather than the other way around. There are relatively few things I can change in my life as it is, but that's no excuse not to address the things I can. And my health--and general well-being--is one of those things.