Inside all of us is an ideal person, a being of light and spirit awaiting the actions on our part to be fully realized. Most of us, however, never reach this point. We get potholed by our insecurities, the cares and worries of life, the burdens other people try to impose upon us.
I've carried those burdens too long. I've tried to live up to the expectations of others, only to fall short of my own expectations for myself. I've wasted far too much time trying to play the game, knowing all along that it was rigged in the house's favor.
No more.
I am at the cusp of becoming the man I want to be--the man I need to be. Because someone else has been wearing my skin for a while now, and I'm not putting up with that anymore.
I was reminded tonight during my workout just how much I missed it. I'm up to four sets of eight different exercises, developing all parts of the body. Thursday night I'll attempt to run again. My health is important to me, but more important still is my self-image. I don't like what I've allowed myself to become, so I take on the struggle within.
If I don't lose the weight, I die early. If I don't adjust my attitude and my self-image, I'll die well before the actual funeral. I've seen a lot of people die that way. Worse yet, I've seen people attempt to destroy others that way all too often.
A friend of mine was subjected to that form of cruelty this week. This is a man who has in recent years lost his wife, and is struggling to raise his daughter on his own. He is starting to find himself again after this tragedy, but still needs to vent. We all need to vent, but to have someone else fueled by Internet courage and with no inkling of how much all of us carry inside attempt to shoot him down was sickening to me. I've lost too many people at too young an age (my brother and five close friends dead before I was 25--and four of those were suicides) to wish that upon anyone but damn was the temptation there to wish it on this clown who confused grieving with personal weakness! But I didn't. I want to be the better man.
Much closer to home I see my wife, and how much she struggles from day to day with the kids. I try to help out as much as possible--I am their father, after all, and they need me. Enough said there. I also see how she struggles trying to make things better for the people around her, only to go unacknowledged and unappreciated, even insulted. I take great personal offense to this. I am more than willing to break a few heads on her behalf--I nearly have, on at least two occasions. I would be nowhere near my goals were it not for Sandy, and I want to make sure I give her my all as well.
It is a painful realization that there are still bullies out there in adult life, that some people never grew out of that phase. I've always known this. Much of the impetus for me to become a union steward years ago was a desire to combat such bullies in the workplace. They definitely existed, with about the maturity level one would expect. Thankfully karma has been paid in full measure to all of them now, and in a few cases I was privileged enough to not only watch but play a role.
The workplace, however, is governed by rules, with mechanisms to ensure they are enforced (imperfectly though they may be). Everyday life is a different question. And honestly, I've seen enough douchebags over the past five years to more than stock the local pharmacy. One only missed a civil restraining order because we didn't have the filing fee at the time!
But worst of all are the bullies I carry in my own mind, the ones who fuel self-doubt and hesitation on my part. The ones that whisper in the night: You're a failure. You're not good enough. You're only wanted because no one else was left. You are continually mocked behind your back and will be forgotten as soon you're gone, provided anyone noticed you were there to begin with.
How do you fight a battle against an opponent inside your own mind?
The answer is simple: prove him wrong! Make yourself better, physically, mentally, and spiritually. And that's what I'm doing right now. I may have been knocked down, but I'm getting back up again! Fall down seven times, stand up eight!
Deeper than my conscious thoughts, deeper even than those whispers in the night, is the man God intended me to be. A true warrior, a man of strength, courage, and honor in every arena of life. He may not be the strongest, or the smartest, or necessarily the most virtuous, but he's certainly going to scare the living crap out of anyone counting on the old me to back down. Especially those voices within!
More later...
