"Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning." -- Winston Churchill, November 10, 1942
Last week's number: 306.4 pounds
This week's number: 300.7 pounds
Week-to-week loss: 5.7 pounds
Net loss: 49.3 pounds
In other words, I'm not done yet...
This was my last formal weigh-in under the medically-supervised very low calorie diet. I will now be transitioning slowly back to normal food. By normal food I mean the food people are supposed to eat, as opposed to what I've been eating most of my adult life.
This has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. I struggled. I didn't stick with the plan. I could have exercised a lot more than I did. Even so, of the 30 people who started this diet back in January, only nine made it to the end, and of those nine I lost the most weight in the group.
The quote by Churchill above is appropriate here in more ways than one: I, too, have been engaged in a mortal struggle for my very survival against an inexorable and seemingly unstoppable foe. It has cost me dearly: my way of life has had to change, and certainly this program has not been cheap. It is, however, cheaper than a coffin (both literally and metaphorically).
Still, I am a long way from where I want to be. 50 pounds (more or less) down, another 75 (at least) to go.
That said, I am proud to have incorporated more exercise into my life. Today I walked the farthest in one day that I have in 15 years. This morning I walked my son to school, and then took the long way back, for a total of 2.1 miles. In the afternoon I walked to the school (the long way) and at my son's request took the long way back (during which we had a very involved conversation about surveyor's marks on the pavement, how to dig up a sidewalk, how much sidewalk slabs weigh, etc.) for a total of 3.04 miles. Total distance: 5.14 miles! Now I just need to get to where I can run that far...November is getting closer every day! And that's just the first race I want to run!
I want to start incorporating some strength training into my routine as well. I don't necessarily need to get ripped, but I do need more muscle tone and upper body strength. Next week, the weight bench will be deployed and put to use! I've been frustrated with not having enough room in the garage to set it up properly; the simple expedient of pulling it out into the driveway will solve that problem with minimal effort (particularly with summer close at hand--bad weather will not be an excuse for the next several months!) I should have started doing this weeks ago. Oh, well. The future begins now!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Sex And The Single Civil Servant (Part 1)
I knew that title would get some attention!
There's an old joke somewhere about how things which seem miserable at the time actually turn out to be pretty good, but I can't remember it right now. An online conversation not long ago with a female friend of mine who was lamenting her dating situation brought this to mind.
It's not easy for geeks in general (and people like me in particular) to date. You first have to get past the initial intimidation that social encounters present. Then you have to find someone with whom your interests more or less align. Then you have to worry about presenting yourself the right way. And then you have to worry about whether or not the interest is reciprocated.
Not much different than dating in general, you say? For ASD folks like me it's about like trying to read while blindfolded. There have been so many situations where I either failed to read very obvious signals that she was interested or (more often) very obvious signals that Things Were Not Going Well that I generally regarded my single life as pretty miserable.
Note the use of the past tense.
In retrospect, things weren't all that bad. From age 18 to age 35 (when I got married) I dated a total of 11 people. That may not seem like a lot, but keep in mind that I generally only dated one person at a time, for a long time (most relationships, when I had them, lasted a year or more). Out of that group, I am still in touch with seven of them, and on good terms.*
Overall, that's not bad. Especially when one considers that three of the remaining four all were in the space of three years (1996-1999 were not fun by any stretch!) and had issues ranging from social climbing to mental illness mistaken for religious mania. In other words, I learned really quickly how to identify and avoid the toxic people in the only way a guy like me can--baptism by fire!
But like the refiner's fire in the old hymn, a lot of the dross got burned away. I'd like to think I became a better partner as a result. Maybe not perfect--hell, I know I'm not!--but certainly vastly improved.
I like to think that everyone gets what they deserve in life. Of the seven ladies I mentioned above, two have since gotten married to a couple of very lucky men; one decided she was happier single; one came out (and seems to be much happier for it); and two are still looking but will some day make someone very happy.
Regrets? Absolutely none. I have Sandy now. And while she may not understand me or what I do sometimes, she has always had my back and helped me be where my feet are when necessary. And if you can't get that from a partner, you don't have a partner at all!
Single friends, take heart--the world is full of many winding paths, and not all of them lead to the socially-approved destination. But who are other people to tell you what to do anyway? Sometimes you have to make your own happy ending.
That's what I'm doing--because the game isn't over yet!
* Of the remaining four, one is lost to the sands of time, and had some demons of her own to confront. One was someone who only wanted me to carry her through school and do her homework, then was done with me. One was R.C., whom I wrote about back on Valentines Day this year. And one was seriously dangerous--she was mentally ill, which she interpreted as religious mania (she was, like many of the women I knew in the 1990's, a Charismatic who saw demonic influences behind every rock and tree). She was also extremely jealous and deceitful--after three months of her, my bank account was empty, my long-distance service had been changed several times, and several valued possessions had been damaged or destroyed. To this day she is the One Whose Name I Do Not Mention, and one of only two individuals I've ever considered filing a restraining order against.
There's an old joke somewhere about how things which seem miserable at the time actually turn out to be pretty good, but I can't remember it right now. An online conversation not long ago with a female friend of mine who was lamenting her dating situation brought this to mind.
It's not easy for geeks in general (and people like me in particular) to date. You first have to get past the initial intimidation that social encounters present. Then you have to find someone with whom your interests more or less align. Then you have to worry about presenting yourself the right way. And then you have to worry about whether or not the interest is reciprocated.
Not much different than dating in general, you say? For ASD folks like me it's about like trying to read while blindfolded. There have been so many situations where I either failed to read very obvious signals that she was interested or (more often) very obvious signals that Things Were Not Going Well that I generally regarded my single life as pretty miserable.
Note the use of the past tense.
In retrospect, things weren't all that bad. From age 18 to age 35 (when I got married) I dated a total of 11 people. That may not seem like a lot, but keep in mind that I generally only dated one person at a time, for a long time (most relationships, when I had them, lasted a year or more). Out of that group, I am still in touch with seven of them, and on good terms.*
Overall, that's not bad. Especially when one considers that three of the remaining four all were in the space of three years (1996-1999 were not fun by any stretch!) and had issues ranging from social climbing to mental illness mistaken for religious mania. In other words, I learned really quickly how to identify and avoid the toxic people in the only way a guy like me can--baptism by fire!
But like the refiner's fire in the old hymn, a lot of the dross got burned away. I'd like to think I became a better partner as a result. Maybe not perfect--hell, I know I'm not!--but certainly vastly improved.
I like to think that everyone gets what they deserve in life. Of the seven ladies I mentioned above, two have since gotten married to a couple of very lucky men; one decided she was happier single; one came out (and seems to be much happier for it); and two are still looking but will some day make someone very happy.
Regrets? Absolutely none. I have Sandy now. And while she may not understand me or what I do sometimes, she has always had my back and helped me be where my feet are when necessary. And if you can't get that from a partner, you don't have a partner at all!
Single friends, take heart--the world is full of many winding paths, and not all of them lead to the socially-approved destination. But who are other people to tell you what to do anyway? Sometimes you have to make your own happy ending.
That's what I'm doing--because the game isn't over yet!
* Of the remaining four, one is lost to the sands of time, and had some demons of her own to confront. One was someone who only wanted me to carry her through school and do her homework, then was done with me. One was R.C., whom I wrote about back on Valentines Day this year. And one was seriously dangerous--she was mentally ill, which she interpreted as religious mania (she was, like many of the women I knew in the 1990's, a Charismatic who saw demonic influences behind every rock and tree). She was also extremely jealous and deceitful--after three months of her, my bank account was empty, my long-distance service had been changed several times, and several valued possessions had been damaged or destroyed. To this day she is the One Whose Name I Do Not Mention, and one of only two individuals I've ever considered filing a restraining order against.
Week 14: Excuses vs. Explanations
Last week's number: 304.3 pounds
This week's number: 306.4 pounds
Week-to-week loss: -2.1 pounds
Net loss: 43.6 pounds
I am rather alarmed by this figure. This is two consecutive weeks that I've gained, so I'm stepping things up even more this week. Some of this gain is due to a loss of discipline on my part, and some is due to a change in medication. I have been taking a diuretic to regulate my blood pressure, and upon the advice of the doctor monitoring the program I discontinued it briefly to see how I would respond. Obviously I still need the medication, as not only did my weight go up, so did my blood pressure. All the weight I've been carrying has indeed taken its toll.
Some might consider this just an excuse for poor performance. There is a fine distinction between an excuse and an explanation that most people seem to forget. An excuse is exactly that: a reason not to continue. An explanation seeks to understand why the change took place, and find ways to reverse or mitigate it.
Lots of people have excuses. Very few people have, or want, explanations.
Since this weigh-in I've been much more diligent about my diet and exercise, and I've resumed taking the medication. It seems to have worked. As of this morning, using the home scale (which will be the only scale I have after next week) I checked in at 295.8 pounds--my lowest weight in nearly a decade, and within ten pounds of my halfway point! Shedding the excess fluid helped!
Next week will be my final weigh-in with the program, although I will continue using the low-calorie foods until I wean myself off of them. Both Sandy and I are dedicated to making better health choices, even though she was unable to complete the program I'm on because of recent events. Less fried food and fast food, more vegetables and fruits. The juicer is about to get a workout!
Speaking of which, I need to start working out even harder. Now that I can feel more muscle than fat in my abdomen, I also feel the need to tighten that muscle up. That race in November is getting closer every day...
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Week 13: No Instant Pudding
"There is no instant pudding." -- W. Edwards Deming
Last week's number: 303.0 pounds
This week's number: 304.3 pounds
Week-to-week loss: -1.3 pounds
Net loss: 45.7 pounds
The above quote is not merely just a wise choice when trying to lose weight. It's something to keep in mind when implementing any kind of improvement scheme. Nothing happens immediately; it takes effort and persistence.
The past few weeks have not been my greatest. I've been under a lot of pressure and, as I mentioned before, I tend to eat to resolve stress. With most of the stress off of me now (finals are over--successfully as far as I know--and my mother-in-law has transportation, and therefore independence, again) I can focus on getting back on track.
The last time I had a gain on this program it really upset me; this time I'm handling it a little better knowing that my body is bound to plateau at some point and a pound or two is natural variation for any human being over the course of a week. I didn't notice it before because my weight was so high that I attributed the difference to error in the scale. Now that I'm more conscious of it I'm paying more attention.
It's important in any diet not to weigh yourself too often, or these daily or weekly fluctuations will influence your attitude. In statistics, and in quality assurance in particular, this is reflected in two different ways:
Type 1 error: thinking something is bad when it's really not. The classic example is that of a jury convicting an innocent man. Usually it refers to rejecting a perfectly good product as defective. In this case, it's thinking you're not losing weight when, over the long haul, you really are.
Type 2 error: thinking something is good when really it's not. For example, a jury acquitting a man who should have been found guilty, or accepting a defective product. In this case, it's thinking you're losing weight when you're really not.
My weight fluctuation is less than one-third of one percent of my total weight, which in any statistical or engineering context would be considered background noise. The fact that I basically broke even in a week when my dietary discipline was far from what it should have been is itself a good sign. While I didn't stick strictly to the diet, neither did I go overboard. This is a good sign for the future.
But it's not good enough for what I hope to accomplish. I need to keep the pressure up and get the exercise routine going full force again. And I need to develop the habits I'll have for the rest of my life once this diet is over. I do not want to get back to the way I was, ever. I want to be the best I can be for my age and given the constraints I need to work around. The key to that, however, is actually working around them.
On to the next week!
Last week's number: 303.0 pounds
This week's number: 304.3 pounds
Week-to-week loss: -1.3 pounds
Net loss: 45.7 pounds
The above quote is not merely just a wise choice when trying to lose weight. It's something to keep in mind when implementing any kind of improvement scheme. Nothing happens immediately; it takes effort and persistence.
The past few weeks have not been my greatest. I've been under a lot of pressure and, as I mentioned before, I tend to eat to resolve stress. With most of the stress off of me now (finals are over--successfully as far as I know--and my mother-in-law has transportation, and therefore independence, again) I can focus on getting back on track.
The last time I had a gain on this program it really upset me; this time I'm handling it a little better knowing that my body is bound to plateau at some point and a pound or two is natural variation for any human being over the course of a week. I didn't notice it before because my weight was so high that I attributed the difference to error in the scale. Now that I'm more conscious of it I'm paying more attention.
It's important in any diet not to weigh yourself too often, or these daily or weekly fluctuations will influence your attitude. In statistics, and in quality assurance in particular, this is reflected in two different ways:
Type 1 error: thinking something is bad when it's really not. The classic example is that of a jury convicting an innocent man. Usually it refers to rejecting a perfectly good product as defective. In this case, it's thinking you're not losing weight when, over the long haul, you really are.
Type 2 error: thinking something is good when really it's not. For example, a jury acquitting a man who should have been found guilty, or accepting a defective product. In this case, it's thinking you're losing weight when you're really not.
My weight fluctuation is less than one-third of one percent of my total weight, which in any statistical or engineering context would be considered background noise. The fact that I basically broke even in a week when my dietary discipline was far from what it should have been is itself a good sign. While I didn't stick strictly to the diet, neither did I go overboard. This is a good sign for the future.
But it's not good enough for what I hope to accomplish. I need to keep the pressure up and get the exercise routine going full force again. And I need to develop the habits I'll have for the rest of my life once this diet is over. I do not want to get back to the way I was, ever. I want to be the best I can be for my age and given the constraints I need to work around. The key to that, however, is actually working around them.
On to the next week!
Friday, April 5, 2013
Week 12: Now The Truth Can Be Told
Last weigh-in: 307.6 pounds
This week's number: 303.0 pounds
Week-to-week loss: 4.6 pounds (over 2 weeks)
Net loss: 46.8 pounds
As I said a couple of posts ago, it's not been an easy two weeks for me with everything that's happened. That doesn't mean I'm stopping!
I still want to reach my goals, and I'm intending to stick with a better diet once I start the transition phase as of next week. Even tonight, after I finish this post and get some studying done, I'm going on another run.
It's more than getting in shape, or wanting to be as much of an athlete as I can be in my 40's, or looking good in costume (or, for that matter, my old uniforms, or even regular business attire). Much more.
I've shared this little revelation with my family, so now I feel comfortable sharing it here. My bloodwork starting out this little odyssey was not good. Not in the least. I was borderline diabetic and, even more ominously, looking at kidney failure probably even before the diabetes kicked in. Drastic action needed to be taken. Forget reaching my dreams--I want to live to see my children grow up!
Some people have been shocked when I've told them about the particulars of this diet. To be true, 800 calories a day isn't much--it's what most people in North Korea are getting if they're lucky. It's bare subsistence. Some people have called me crazy, or have questioned the wisdom of this approach when something else worked for them just as well.
This was needed, and I am doing everything under the supervision of a physician using products specially formulated for such a plan. Do NOT attempt a very low-calorie diet without consulting with your physician, or without appropriate medical monitoring!
For the better part of 20 years I've been carrying far more weight than is healthy for any human being. I tried to shrug it off, thinking that things weren't all that bad because I could still do most of the things that I do on a regular basis.
Then I got married. Then I had kids. And suddenly all of the things I did routinely on the job got a lot harder. My back went out more often and took longer to recover. Where I could de-van an entire cargo container almost single-handedly, suddenly even the most routine exams became physically taxing (not that I didn't do my job--I pushed myself, and made myself sick, and lost a lot of productive time at work and at home as a result). I stopped using my telescope because it took too much effort to set up (and it is some effort--the instrument weighs 135 pounds fully assembled and all of those parts need to be carried to where I want to go). Slowly but surely I was losing my way of life, even though I didn't notice it at the time.
And then the bloodwork came back. I was angry that I let myself fall that far. I was scared for my health and for the future of my family. But more than that, I was pissed off!
"Be angry, yet do not sin," the Bible says (Ephesians 4:26). I had a lot of trouble with that one. In the past I have let my anger get the better of me and have said and done some unspeakable things as a result. I thought the answer was to suppress my anger, to not let it out at all lest someone get hurt. In the past year the wisdom of that statement finally came clear to me.
(Yes, maybe I was slow on the uptake here. I've already explained here that common sense for me doesn't necessarily mean the same thing as it may mean for everyone else. God apportions strengths and weaknesses to all human beings in equal proportion--so be it.)
I am to take my anger and turn it toward something productive! If I am angry about my situation, I am to use the energy I would otherwise expend in a futile explosion of emotion and instead turn it toward actually resolving the issue that made me angry to begin with! Angry about finances? Make a plan to get them under control! Angry about not making progress toward your life goals? Make the commitment--and don't question the sacrifice. Angry about your weight? Get with your doctor and make a plan to lose the weight!
My anger comes out on the road, with the weights, climbing the stairs. My anger burns--burns away this weight which has been such a tremendous physical and emotional burden to me for so long. I've had people laugh at me as I'm running. No matter; I'm not doing it for their general convenience. I'm reminded of all the people who laughed at me about my weight, and I push forward, determined to push those voices deep into my past where they may be heard but won't have any impact. Some people would sink into despair and give up. I. Will. Not!!!
I want to be a better man than I've been, in all respects. That's why I'm fighting so hard. The person inside of me, the person I know I can be, wants to come out and introduce himself to the world. And he will, before long.
All it takes is a little blood, a little sweat, and a little tears, applied over time. Let's make it happen!
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