I knew that title would get some attention!
There's an old joke somewhere about how things which seem miserable at the time actually turn out to be pretty good, but I can't remember it right now. An online conversation not long ago with a female friend of mine who was lamenting her dating situation brought this to mind.
It's not easy for geeks in general (and people like me in particular) to date. You first have to get past the initial intimidation that social encounters present. Then you have to find someone with whom your interests more or less align. Then you have to worry about presenting yourself the right way. And then you have to worry about whether or not the interest is reciprocated.
Not much different than dating in general, you say? For ASD folks like me it's about like trying to read while blindfolded. There have been so many situations where I either failed to read very obvious signals that she was interested or (more often) very obvious signals that Things Were Not Going Well that I generally regarded my single life as pretty miserable.
Note the use of the past tense.
In retrospect, things weren't all that bad. From age 18 to age 35 (when I got married) I dated a total of 11 people. That may not seem like a lot, but keep in mind that I generally only dated one person at a time, for a long time (most relationships, when I had them, lasted a year or more). Out of that group, I am still in touch with seven of them, and on good terms.*
Overall, that's not bad. Especially when one considers that three of the remaining four all were in the space of three years (1996-1999 were not fun by any stretch!) and had issues ranging from social climbing to mental illness mistaken for religious mania. In other words, I learned really quickly how to identify and avoid the toxic people in the only way a guy like me can--baptism by fire!
But like the refiner's fire in the old hymn, a lot of the dross got burned away. I'd like to think I became a better partner as a result. Maybe not perfect--hell, I know I'm not!--but certainly vastly improved.
I like to think that everyone gets what they deserve in life. Of the seven ladies I mentioned above, two have since gotten married to a couple of very lucky men; one decided she was happier single; one came out (and seems to be much happier for it); and two are still looking but will some day make someone very happy.
Regrets? Absolutely none. I have Sandy now. And while she may not understand me or what I do sometimes, she has always had my back and helped me be where my feet are when necessary. And if you can't get that from a partner, you don't have a partner at all!
Single friends, take heart--the world is full of many winding paths, and not all of them lead to the socially-approved destination. But who are other people to tell you what to do anyway? Sometimes you have to make your own happy ending.
That's what I'm doing--because the game isn't over yet!
* Of the remaining four, one is lost to the sands of time, and had some demons of her own to confront. One was someone who only wanted me to carry her through school and do her homework, then was done with me. One was R.C., whom I wrote about back on Valentines Day this year. And one was seriously dangerous--she was mentally ill, which she interpreted as religious mania (she was, like many of the women I knew in the 1990's, a Charismatic who saw demonic influences behind every rock and tree). She was also extremely jealous and deceitful--after three months of her, my bank account was empty, my long-distance service had been changed several times, and several valued possessions had been damaged or destroyed. To this day she is the One Whose Name I Do Not Mention, and one of only two individuals I've ever considered filing a restraining order against.
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