Seeing David In The Stone

"Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it." -- Michaelangelo

I continue my weight training, interspersed with my walking regimen. Tonight I added French curls (an exercise I've always found difficult) to the mix. An extra exercise meant fewer reps, however. I need to get used to this.

It's my hope to find the statue that is the ideal me beneath all of the sloppiness that's accumulated over the years. I don't just mean physical sloppiness. I mean mental and moral sloppiness as well.

I am currently involved in the Federal Executive Board Leadership Associates Program, an intensive year-long series of activities intended to develop mid-level government employees myself into executive material. As I intend to be around for a while, I'd like to get as far as possible. The current class has only been running since June, but already I've gotten a lot out of it. Part of my current interest in working out, for example, is a side project to encourage greater physical fitness among federal employees. Another employee at my agency started a team, and being the competitive person I am, I decided to join.

This is one way my competitive nature is helping me. I can see also where it has hurt me, and hurt others, badly. It is a double-edged sword for sure!

Back to the leadership program. This week we had a course in conflict management. Using the assessmetn tool, I discovered that I have a lot of work to do. I have a tendency to want to try and win arguments, even if there's no point in doing so beyond being able to say I'm right. For certain lines of work, this is a good thing. In every day life, this is a very bad thing. I have alienated who knows how many people because of it. I'm not proud of this. I am sure that there are more than a few people who can attest to this. If you're out there and reading this, please accept my apologies, know that I see the problem, and that I'm working on it.

It is such a relief to let go of conflicts, and to recognize troll bait when I see it! No longer am I bound by that invisible hand that seemed to force me to constantly be on the lookout for the epistemological knife fights I so often find myself involved in! My karate instructor back in the distant past always told me that the best move in a fight is to turn around and walk away. If only I'd applied that wisdom to the pseudo-intellectual posturing I see around me--and not get sucked into it myself--I'm sure I would have been much happier overall!

It's more than winning arguments, though. It's wanting to win at life, with 'winning' poorly defined. In college it wasn't enough just to have good grades, I had to have a girlfriend too. And by 'have' I mean 'be the only thing going on for her'. I don't think I was as big a douchebag as that statement implies (there are at least two women out there who could confirm this--or not) but I can see where a lot of my behavior wasn't what it should have been, or even anywhere close. And for that, I am truly sorry. To any male between the ages of 17 and 22 reading this (including my son in about 10 years): I've seen some of you do the same crap. You cannot simultaneously put a woman on a pedestal and chain her like a slave. In fact, you shouldn't do either one. Make and keep a friend--an equal partner--and what you want is more likely to show up on its own. Not guaranteed (nothing is!) but more likely. And that is Uncle Steve's Pearl of Wisdom for the night. :-)

This desire to be ahead of the game at all costs isn't all bad--academically it's been a tremendous asset, and my career hasn't suffered either (although I will emphasize that to my knowledge I've never stabbed anyone in the back on the way up). But when wed to faulty assumptions it is yet another layer of stone that must be removed to get to the ideal form beneath.

Why am I competing? What is there to be gained? How will my competitive nature help or hurt others? What will it do to myself in long run? I need to start answering these questions more consistently.

Because while I'm cutting through the physical flab to reach the ideal person inside, I also need to cut through the mental and moral flab to reach  what that person should be like. And I cannot do that unless I'm honest with myself. "Let him that would move the world first move himself."

Time to put away the past. The other thing the assessment tool told me was that I tend to dwell on problems too much. The problem's solved--I'm not who I used to be, and cannot change what that person did. I can only hope for forgiveness, and do what I can to improve. And that's the real competition: the one within!

The Long Hot Summer

I've been away for a while, I know. But I'm back to stay!

Since ending the medically supervised portion of the weight loss program, just about everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. I've faced a number of personal and professional challenges these past few months that have caused me to revert to old habits.

First to go was the exercise. After my last long run of 2.8 miles I stopped for some reason. It got too easy to rationalize not running again--too tired/too hot/too much to do/too many other excuses to count.

Next to go was diet discipline. Back in June my mother was hospitalized for several days (thankfully, she's doing better now). I fell back into my old habit of stress eating. A number of other events happened at home and at work to compound the stress. On top of that, I had chosen this summer to take three classes instead of two to knock a year off my Masters degree. Two of my classes involved heavy math and were taught by instructors whose notes were minimal at best (one class didn't even have an official textbook!) Between the rigor of the courses themselves and losing time while Mom was in the hospital, I spent most of the summer term catching up. I managed A's in two of the courses and a B in the third...but getting there was much, much harder than I anticipated. And a lot of stress eating was involved.

I accept that there's stress in life. That's an inherent part of existence. Someone whose life is completely stress free is either not truly living or completely oblivious to his or her situation. As with so many other things, however, it all hit at once. My faith has been challenged and restored repeatedly over the past three months. My sanity? Sometimes I wonder.

But no more. With but one exception (which I can do nothing about but wait) most of the stressors have been resolved. Now it's time to focus on building myself back to the person I know I can be. I started that in earnest tonight.

With Sandy absent much of the evening, a run was out of the question. So I went to my old standby: the weight bench. Weightlifting has always been special to me: it's one athletic activity I've been able to remain reasonably competent at, even excel. For two years during my undergraduate years I took gym classes every quarter to build exercise into my routine (as if working as a cook and a janitor, and walking nearly everywhere, wasn't enough!)  The weight training was something I'd started in high school but it took off in college. If I'd kept up with it, who knows where I'd be now?

Of course, I'm not powerlifting like I was 20 years ago: my right shoulder and my back reminded me tonight that I'm 44, not 22 even with the relatively light workout (low weight/high reps) I took on:

3 sets/25 reps each:
Bench press at 25 lbs
Military press at 25 pounds
Curls at 25 pounds
Dead lift at 25 pounds

The objective of low weight/high reps is to develop muscle tone and endurance as opposed to instantaneous power. It's also (contrary to popular belief) one hell of a good cardiovascular workout: think calisthenics with a positive load applied to every part of the body. I also attempted knee extensions but the weight bench I have isn't made very well for that. I may settle for running/cycling to develop my legs. I can get new running shoes much cheaper than a new weight bench, and I need new shoes anyway.

It felt good! Just the act of putting on my old lifting gloves caused a bit of a surge in me, as though I were Arthur pulling Excalibur from the stone. I still feel a little tight even after my shower, and probably will feel much tighter tomorrow...but that's a good thing. Muscles need to be challenged in order to develop. Tomorrow I'll run again, then Wednesday night (Sandy's bowling night) I'll hit the weights after the kids are in bed.

Why am I suddenly back in the saddle again? Two reasons. One I'll explain in more detail tomorrow night. The other? Let's just say that it's better to be in control of one's circumstances rather than the other way around. There are relatively few things I can change in my life as it is, but that's no excuse not to address the things I can. And my health--and general well-being--is one of those things.

Week 15: The End Of The Beginning

"Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning." -- Winston Churchill, November 10, 1942

Last week's number: 306.4 pounds
This week's number: 300.7 pounds
Week-to-week loss: 5.7 pounds
Net loss: 49.3 pounds

In other words, I'm not done yet...

This was my last formal weigh-in under the medically-supervised very low calorie diet. I will now be transitioning slowly back to normal food. By normal food I mean the food people are supposed to eat, as opposed to what I've been eating most of my adult life.

This has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. I struggled. I didn't stick with the plan. I could have exercised a lot more than I did. Even so, of the 30 people who started this diet back in January, only nine made it to the end, and of those nine I lost the most weight in the group.

The quote by Churchill above is appropriate here in more ways than one: I, too, have been engaged in a mortal struggle for my very survival against an inexorable and seemingly unstoppable foe. It has cost me dearly: my way of life has had to change, and certainly this program has not been cheap. It is, however, cheaper than a coffin (both literally and metaphorically).

Still, I am a long way from where I want to be. 50 pounds (more or less) down, another 75 (at least) to go.

That said, I am proud to have incorporated more exercise into my life. Today I walked the farthest in one day that I have in 15 years. This morning I walked my son to school, and then took the long way back, for a total of 2.1 miles. In the afternoon I walked to the school (the long way) and at my son's request took the long way back (during which we had a very involved conversation about surveyor's marks on the pavement, how to dig up a sidewalk, how much sidewalk slabs weigh, etc.) for a total of 3.04 miles. Total distance: 5.14 miles! Now I just need to get to where I can run that far...November is getting closer every day! And that's just the first race I want to run!

I want to start incorporating some strength training into my routine as well. I don't necessarily need to get ripped, but I do need more muscle tone and upper body strength. Next week, the weight bench will be deployed and put to use! I've been frustrated with not having enough room in the garage to set it up properly; the simple expedient of pulling it out into the driveway will solve that problem with minimal effort (particularly with summer close at hand--bad weather will not be an excuse for the next several months!) I should have started doing this weeks ago. Oh, well. The future begins now!

Sex And The Single Civil Servant (Part 1)

I knew that title would get some attention!

There's an old joke somewhere about how things which seem miserable at the time actually turn out to be pretty good, but I can't remember it right now. An online conversation not long ago with a female friend of mine who was lamenting her dating situation brought this to mind.

It's not easy for geeks in general (and people like me in particular) to date. You first have to get past the initial intimidation that social encounters present. Then you have to find someone with whom your interests more or less align. Then you have to worry about presenting yourself the right way. And then you have to worry about whether or not the interest is reciprocated.

Not much different than dating in general, you say? For ASD folks like me it's about like trying to read while blindfolded. There have been so many situations where I either failed to read very obvious signals that she was interested or (more often) very obvious signals that Things Were Not Going Well that I generally regarded my single life as pretty miserable.

Note the use of the past tense.

In retrospect, things weren't all that bad. From age 18 to age 35 (when I got married) I dated a total of 11 people. That may not seem like a lot, but keep in mind that I generally only dated one person at a time, for a long time (most relationships, when I had them, lasted a year or more). Out of that group, I am still in touch with seven of them, and on good terms.*

Overall, that's not bad. Especially when one considers that three of the remaining four all were in the space of three years (1996-1999 were not fun by any stretch!) and had issues ranging from social climbing to mental illness mistaken for religious mania. In other words, I learned really quickly how to identify and avoid the toxic people in the only way a guy like me can--baptism by fire! 

But like the refiner's fire in the old hymn, a lot of the dross got burned away. I'd like to think I became a better partner as a result. Maybe not perfect--hell, I know I'm not!--but certainly vastly improved.

I like to think that everyone gets what they deserve in life. Of the seven ladies I mentioned above, two have since gotten married to a couple of very lucky men; one decided she was happier single; one came out (and seems to be much happier for it); and two are still looking but will some day make someone very happy.

Regrets? Absolutely none. I have Sandy now. And while she may not understand me or what I do sometimes, she has always had my back and helped me be where my feet are when necessary. And if you can't get that from a partner, you don't have a partner at all!

Single friends, take heart--the world is full of many winding paths, and not all of them lead to the socially-approved destination. But who are other people to tell you what to do anyway?  Sometimes you have to make your own happy ending.

That's what I'm doing--because the game isn't over yet!

* Of the remaining four, one is lost to the sands of time, and had some demons of her own to confront. One was someone who only wanted me to carry her through school and do her homework, then was done with me. One was R.C., whom I wrote about back on Valentines Day this year. And one was seriously dangerous--she was mentally ill, which she interpreted as religious mania (she was, like many of the women I knew in the 1990's, a Charismatic who saw demonic influences behind every rock and tree). She was also extremely jealous and deceitful--after three months of her, my bank account was empty, my long-distance service had been changed several times, and several valued possessions had been damaged or destroyed. To this day she is the One Whose Name I Do Not Mention, and one of only two individuals I've ever considered filing a restraining order against.

Week 14: Excuses vs. Explanations

Last week's number: 304.3 pounds
This week's number: 306.4 pounds
Week-to-week loss: -2.1 pounds
Net loss: 43.6 pounds

I am rather alarmed by this figure. This is two consecutive weeks that I've gained, so I'm stepping things up even more this week. Some of this gain is due to a loss of discipline on my part, and some is due to a change in medication. I have been taking a diuretic to regulate my blood pressure, and upon the advice of the doctor monitoring the program I discontinued it briefly to see how I would respond. Obviously I still need the medication, as not only did my weight go up, so did my blood pressure. All the weight I've been carrying has indeed taken its toll.

Some might consider this just an excuse for poor performance. There is a fine distinction between an excuse and an explanation that most people seem to forget. An excuse is exactly that: a reason not to continue. An explanation seeks to understand why the change took place, and find ways to reverse or mitigate it.

Lots of people have excuses. Very few people have, or want, explanations.

Since this weigh-in I've been much more diligent about my diet and exercise, and I've resumed taking the medication. It seems to have worked. As of this morning, using the home scale (which will be the only scale I have after next week) I checked in at 295.8 pounds--my lowest weight in nearly a decade, and within ten pounds of my halfway point! Shedding the excess fluid helped!

Next week will be my final weigh-in with the program, although I will continue using the low-calorie foods until I wean myself off of them. Both Sandy and I are dedicated to making better health choices, even though she was unable to complete the program I'm on because of recent events. Less fried food and fast food, more vegetables and fruits. The juicer is about to get a workout!

Speaking of which, I need to start working out even harder. Now that I can feel more muscle than fat in my abdomen, I also feel the need to tighten that muscle up. That race in November is getting closer every day...

Week 13: No Instant Pudding

"There is no instant pudding." -- W. Edwards Deming

Last week's number: 303.0 pounds
This week's number: 304.3 pounds
Week-to-week loss: -1.3 pounds
Net loss: 45.7 pounds

The above quote is not merely just a wise choice when trying to lose weight. It's something to keep in mind when implementing any kind of improvement scheme. Nothing happens immediately; it takes effort and persistence.

The past few weeks have not been my greatest. I've been under a lot of pressure and, as I mentioned before, I tend to eat to resolve stress. With most of the stress off of me now (finals are over--successfully as far as I know--and my mother-in-law has transportation, and therefore independence, again) I can focus on getting back on track.

The last time I had a gain on this program it really upset me; this time I'm handling it a little better knowing that my body is bound to plateau at some point and a pound or two is natural variation for any human being over the course of a week. I didn't notice it before because my weight was so high that I attributed the difference to error in the scale. Now that I'm more conscious of it I'm paying more attention.

It's important in any diet not to weigh yourself too often, or these daily or weekly fluctuations will influence your attitude. In statistics, and in quality assurance in particular, this is reflected in two different ways:

Type 1 error: thinking something is bad when it's really not. The classic example is that of a jury convicting an innocent man. Usually it refers to rejecting a perfectly good product as defective. In this case, it's thinking you're not losing weight when, over the long haul, you really are.

Type 2 error: thinking something is good when really it's not. For example, a jury acquitting a man who should have been found guilty, or accepting a defective product. In this case, it's thinking you're losing weight when you're really not.

My weight fluctuation is less than one-third of one percent of my total weight, which in any statistical or engineering context would be considered background noise. The fact that I basically broke even in a week when my dietary discipline was far from what it should have been is itself a good sign. While I didn't stick strictly to the diet, neither did I go overboard. This is a good sign for the future.

But it's not good enough for what I hope to accomplish. I need to keep the pressure up and get the exercise routine going full force again. And I need to develop the habits I'll have for the rest of my life once this diet is over. I do not want to get back to the way I was, ever. I want to be the best I can be for my age and given the constraints I need to work around. The key to that, however, is actually working around them.

On to the next week!

Week 12: Now The Truth Can Be Told

 

Last weigh-in: 307.6 pounds

This week's number: 303.0 pounds 

Week-to-week loss: 4.6 pounds (over 2 weeks) 

Net loss: 46.8 pounds 

 As I said a couple of posts ago, it's not been an easy two weeks for me with everything that's happened. That doesn't mean I'm stopping! I still want to reach my goals, and I'm intending to stick with a better diet once I start the transition phase as of next week. Even tonight, after I finish this post and get some studying done, I'm going on another run. It's more than getting in shape, or wanting to be as much of an athlete as I can be in my 40's, or looking good in costume (or, for that matter, my old uniforms, or even regular business attire). Much more. 

 I've shared this little revelation with my family, so now I feel comfortable sharing it here. My bloodwork starting out this little odyssey was not good. Not in the least. I was borderline diabetic and, even more ominously, looking at kidney failure probably even before the diabetes kicked in. Drastic action needed to be taken. Forget reaching my dreams--I want to live to see my children grow up! 

Some people have been shocked when I've told them about the particulars of this diet. To be true, 800 calories a day isn't much--it's what most people in North Korea are getting if they're lucky. It's bare subsistence. Some people have called me crazy, or have questioned the wisdom of this approach when something else worked for them just as well. This was needed, and I am doing everything under the supervision of a physician using products specially formulated for such a plan. Do NOT attempt a very low-calorie diet without consulting with your physician, or without appropriate medical monitoring!

For the better part of 20 years I've been carrying far more weight than is healthy for any human being. I tried to shrug it off, thinking that things weren't all that bad because I could still do most of the things that I do on a regular basis. Then I got married. Then I had kids. And suddenly all of the things I did routinely on the job got a lot harder. My back went out more often and took longer to recover. Where I could de-van an entire cargo container almost single-handedly, suddenly even the most routine exams became physically taxing (not that I didn't do my job--I pushed myself, and made myself sick, and lost a lot of productive time at work and at home as a result). I stopped using my telescope because it took too much effort to set up (and it is some effort--the instrument weighs 135 pounds fully assembled and all of those parts need to be carried to where I want to go). Slowly but surely I was losing my way of life, even though I didn't notice it at the time. 

And then the bloodwork came back. I was angry that I let myself fall that far. I was scared for my health and for the future of my family. But more than that, I was pissed off! 

"Be angry, yet do not sin," the Bible says (Ephesians 4:26). I had a lot of trouble with that one. In the past I have let my anger get the better of me and have said and done some unspeakable things as a result. I thought the answer was to suppress my anger, to not let it out at all lest someone get hurt. In the past year the wisdom of that statement finally came clear to me. 

(Yes, maybe I was slow on the uptake here. I've already explained here that common sense for me doesn't necessarily mean the same thing as it may mean for everyone else. God apportions strengths and weaknesses to all human beings in equal proportion--so be it.)

I am to take my anger and turn it toward something productive! If I am angry about my situation, I am to use the energy I would otherwise expend in a futile explosion of emotion and instead turn it toward actually resolving the issue that made me angry to begin with! Angry about finances? Make a plan to get them under control! Angry about not making progress toward your life goals? Make the commitment--and don't question the sacrifice. Angry about your weight? Get with your doctor and make a plan to lose the weight! 

 My anger comes out on the road, with the weights, climbing the stairs. My anger burns--burns away this weight which has been such a tremendous physical and emotional burden to me for so long. I've had people laugh at me as I'm running. No matter; I'm not doing it for their general convenience. I'm reminded of all the people who laughed at me about my weight, and I push forward, determined to push those voices deep into my past where they may be heard but won't have any impact. Some people would sink into despair and give up. I. Will. Not!!! 

I want to be a better man than I've been, in all respects. That's why I'm fighting so hard. The person inside of me, the person I know I can be, wants to come out and introduce himself to the world. And he will, before long. All it takes is a little blood, a little sweat, and a little tears, applied over time. Let's make it happen!